The Mystery of a Disappearing Grill Cover
by Jason Wells
CHARACTERS:
MATTHEW . . . . . . . a bartender in his early 30s
ALAN . . . . . . . . . . . .an elevator inspector in his early 30s
PLACE . . . . . . . . . . .New Haven, CT
SETTING . . . . . . . . .a bar
TIME . . . . . . . . . . . . the present
(Lights up on a run down bar. Not quite a dive but well on its way. The stools are haphazardly stacked on top of the bar. There’s an ancient jukebox in the corner. There are several rickety tables partnered with rickety chairs strewn about. The windows are packed with neon signs in disrepair. MATTHEW enters and starts to put things in order. MATTHEW is an extremely well dressed bartender in his mid 30s. His jeans are designer, his shirt is pressed and his hair is choc full of product. This is a man who smells good from one hundred yards away. His only physical flaw, it seems, is a dark five o’clock shadow. MATTHEW plugs in the jukebox. He stands in front of it, puts a couple of quarters in and picks a song. It’s Talking Heads’ Pulled Up. He pulls the stools off the top of the bar. He organizes the bottles behind the bar. He washes some glasses. He sighs. He exits. Beat. He re-enters with a can of shaving cream and a razor. He sighs. He pulls out an old round mirror from behind the bar and he places it on the bar. He uses a sink behind the bar to wash his face. He dries his face with a towel. He puts some shaving cream in his palm. He applies the shaving cream to his face. He sighs. He begins to shave. He shaves. After a moment ALAN storms in. ALAN, like MATTHEW, is a man in his 30s. ALAN, unlike MATTHEW, wears tattered shorts and a dingy hooded sweatshirt. ALAN, unlike MATTHEW, has a mustache. ALAN has tangled hair which is partially covered by a wrinkled baseball cap.)
ALAN
Well THEY did it. THEY finally did it. THEY stole it. Took it. From right under my god damn nose. Might as well have swiped my mustache. Might as well have plucked it straight from my face.
(He almost plops himself down on a bar stool but stops. He looks at the stool lovingly. He hesitantly walks several steps away from the stool.)
ALAN
I’m going to kill THEM.
(MATTHEW stops shaving.)
MATTHEW
WHAT?
ALAN
I CAN’T just let this . . . pass.
MATTHEW
Are you talking about killing like with death?
ALAN
What are you doing?
MATTHEW
I’m working what are you doing? Going around and threatening people with death. That’s unusual. (He starts to shave again.) What are you doing?
ALAN
I . . . (he paces) I don’t know anymore.
MATTHEW
Well that’s for sure. That’s for damn sure.
ALAN
Don’t take this away from me.
MATTHEW
It’s probably just
ALAN
Please.
MATTHEW
blown into another tree.
ALAN
NO.
MATTHEW
That’s what happened the last time.
ALAN
I looked up. Into all of the trees.
MATTHEW
And the time before that.
ALAN
AND THEIR BRANCHES WERE EMPTY.
MATTHEW
Did you look into the next yard? The next yard has trees correct?
ALAN
THEY took it.
MATTHEW
You’re hysterical.
ALAN
Yeah. YEAH. Yeah. I am. You know what I need?
MATTHEW
(Stops shaving stares at ALAN.) You.
ALAN
YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED?
MATTHEW
(Desperate.) Kathy texted me . . . on my phone . . . and you WILL NOT believe what she had to say for herself.
ALAN
You.
MATTHEW
Rodger won’t believe it either I’d bet.
ALAN
YOU.
MATTHEW
YOU . . . won’t either I suspect . . .
(ALAN sits at the bar and stares at MATTHEW.)
MATTHEW
. . . I’d bet.
(MATTHEW sighs. MATTHEW puts his razor down on the bar. Beat. MATTHEW picks up his razor. Beat. Swiftly MATTHEW grabs the back of ALAN’S head, pulls his head close and puts the razor to his neck.)
MATTHEW
YOU. WOULDN’T. DARE. DO. WHAT. YOU’RE. CONSIDERING DOING.
(Beat. They look into each other’s eyes.)
ALAN
I . . . suppose the wind could have lifted it off.
(MATTHEW backs off. They look at each other. Beat. MATTHEW starts to shave.)
ALAN
So . . . Kathy . . . did she mention me?
MATTHEW
NO. Just Rodger and the business with Rodger.
ALAN
Oh.
MATTHEW
I don’t mean to disappoint you.
ALAN
No. No. It’s not that. It’s just . . .
MATTHEW
You’re disappointed.
ALAN
Well yes but I’m not devastated.
MATTHEW
(Stopping shaving) AAAAAAAH.
ALAN
Look it’s like being thirsty: You can be parched and you can be . . .
MATTHEW
DESPEARATE.
ALAN
No. No. NO. Let me find the
MATTHEW
I love you but I’m not IN love with you.
ALAN
You do?
(Awkward moment.)
MATTHEW
(Trying hard.) I don’t buy it for a second.
ALAN
Don’t buy
MATTHEW
There’s love. Period. It’s a tap. Either there’s SHIT coming out of it or there’s no shit coming out of it. Period.
ALAN
(Under his breath.) Speaking of taps.
MATTHEW
(Harshly) What was that?
ALAN
So Kathy doesn’t want me back? Is that what you are attempting to get at?
MATTHEW
No.
ALAN
No she doesn’t want me back or no that is not what you are attempting to get at?
MATTHEW
Wait. (Thinks) Both? Um. (Under his breath.) No she doesn’t want him back and I wasn’t attempting to . . . what was I attempting? (Even more confused) Oh man. (To ALAN) I don’t’ know man. But no. She doesn’t want you back.
ALAN
(Surprised) Oh.
MATTHEW
(Starts to shave) But that’s not what she texted me about.
ALAN
Oh well . . .
MATTHEW
She texted me about Rodger. Like I said. The business with him.
ALAN
You can stick Rodger in a sack for all I care about.
MATTHEW
Are you threatening him? Is that a threat.
ALAN
You know what? It wasn’t before . . . but now it is a threat. If I see that scum sucker I’ll throw him in a sack.
MATTHEW
(Stops shaving) Do you even have a sack?
ALAN
I have a back pack that looks like a penguin.
MATTHEW
Penguin?
ALAN
It’s black and white with a little yellow.
MATTHEW
Penguins are black and white! There’s no yellow!
ALAN
It reminds me of a penguin.
MATTHEW
That’s a PACK. Not a SACK. There’s a cavernous difference.
ALAN
Well then I’ll get a sack then. I’ll get a sack. I’ll buy a sack of potatoes.
MATTHEW
What’ll you do with all of those potatoes? Not enough room for Rodger and a bunch of potatoes in a sack.
ALAN
I’LL MASH ‘EM. I’LL MASH ‘EM.
(Beat. MATTHEW looks into ALAN’S eyes and realizes something.)
MATTHEW
I made it up.
ALAN
What did you make up?
MATTHEW
(Starts shaving) The text messages. I don’t get text messages.
ALAN
From Kathy?
MATTHEW
From anyone. My phone isn’t equipped.
ALAN
But why
MATTHEW
BECAUSE. I just wanted a PHONE. To call people. You know like in the good old days.
ALAN
No. Why . . . lie?
MATTHEW
I Wanted to . . . distract you.
ALAN
From
MATTHEW
All of your previous shenanigans.
(Beat. MATTHEW starts to shave.)
ALAN
I’m depressed. Does it show?
MATTHEW
Yes.
(Beat.)
ALAN
I don’t want any of this anymore. I don’t want to work for the elevator bureau any longer. I’m just so . . . sick of inspecting elevators and . . . I’m sick of
MATTHEW
People asking you if there’s any upward mobility in your line of work?
ALAN
(Angrily) I was going to say
MATTHEW
(Stops shaving) Sorry.
ALAN
I was going to say I’m sick of people asking me if there’s any upward mobility in my line of work.
MATTHEW
Oh.
(Beat. MATTHEW starts shaving again. This time he does it faster as if he was trying to finish up.)
ALAN
I always wanted to be a college radio star. Is it too late?
MATTHEW
To be a college radio star?
ALAN
Yes.
MATTHEW
Yes.
ALAN
Is it that I’m not in college any longer?
MATTHEW
That’d be a start.
ALAN
But I have my clock radio set on the UNH radio station and every Thursday I’m woken up by an elderly couple who discus all of the theater shows they’ve seen in the past week.
MATTHEW
Yeah but that’s different.
ALAN
Different how?
MATTHEW
That’s a couple of old folks on the radio killing time until . . .
ALAN
Until what? The next theater show they attend?
MATTHEW
That’s not EXCACTLY what I’m
ALAN
Well I’d consider them college radio stars. I know them. I look forward to their elderly ramblings as I fall asleep every Wednesday evening.
MATTHEW
Yes. But college radio stars are
ALAN
WHAT? College students?
MATTHEW
Well yes.
ALAN
But why? Because college students are the only people on this planet proud and stupid enough to pour out and stumble through their ineptitude on the radio air waves for all to hear?
MATTHEW
Well
ALAN
I want that. I want that freedom to say “um” and “uh” like every uh other um last uh word for every uh one lucky enough to um be uh um dialed into uh 88 point um 88.7 to hear. I want to get on the radio and give out a number for people to call in. And I want people to call in. And I want half the people that call in to have the calls dropped because my engineer has absolutely no idea as to what he is doing. The other half of the people that call in I want to mock me to my face in completely transparent fake voices. That’s what I want. I want to play obscure music that I don’t even want to listen to. I want to be a college radio star.
MATTHEW
It’s too late man. It’s past. That train has left a station.
ALAN
There was a really great college radio station in the town where I grew up. I didn’t know it then. But I know it now. It’s like I can look back and watch my self as I take my crayon and slowly draw straight out of the line. And there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do is think about it. Think about that college radio station. Think about it. Think about the bits and pieces that flittered past me randomly. I’m sure it was full of college radio heroes. I’m sure there were hours upon hours of completely un-listenable music being played that I chose not to listen to. God damn it. I made a cassette tape that played wannabe by the spice girls over and over and over. And I played the cassette tape in my Mercury Villager as I drove Jessica Kuhlman to the prom. And if I had just hit EJECT and pushed this button and that I’m sure that Jessica and I could have enjoyed countless moments of complete radio silence or someone saying “and here’s the newest track from Ben Folds” only to play an ancient tasty nugget from Sleater Kinney. College radio stars. Heroes. And I missed my chance.
MATTHEW
But you were only a kid. How could you have known that you were going to attend a school with no radio?
ALAN
What do you mean?
MATTHEW
Well there mustn’t have been radio at your college.
ALAN
There was.
MATTHEW
Then why didn’t you
ALAN
Take advantage?
MATTHEW
YES. YES GOD DAMN IT.
ALAN
I . . . I don’t even know. It was a mistake.
MATTHEW
You can say that again. Jesus Christ. You’re sitting here mumbling like you never had a chance. You had a chance. You’re sitting here acting like some sort of tragic Bo Peep. I wanted to be a shepherdess but no one ever gave me any sheep.
ALAN
That doesn’t even make any sense!
MATTHEW
Yeah well I thought that was the evening’s theme.
ALAN
OH YOU KNOW WHAT?
MATTHEW
You come in here threatening people’s lives and haven’t let up since.
ALAN
I WAS ANGRY.
MATTHEW
IT’S JUST A GRILL COVER.
ALAN
I DON’T WANT MY GRILL TO GET MUCKED UP.
MATTHEW
WHAT’S A LITTLE RAIN GOING TO DO?
ALAN
IT’S THE PRINCIPAL OF THE THING.
MATTHEW
GRILL PRINCIAPL?
ALAN
I CARE ABOUT SOMETHING AND WANT TO PROTECT IT FROM THE ELEMENTS.
MATTHEW
IT WAS THE WIND.
ALAN
THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE.
MATTHEW
IT WAS THE WIND.
ALAN
NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I WAS A COLLEGE RADIO HERO.
MATTHEW
IT WAS ME.
ALAN
What.
MATTHEW
It was me. Me. And . . . Kathy.
ALAN
You and Kathy?
MATTHEW
Yes.
ALAN
You stole my grill cover?
MATTHEW
Yes.
ALAN
It was her idea?
MATTHEW
No. I came up with it. The idea. It was mine.
ALAN
To steal my grill cover?
MATTHEW
Yes.
ALAN
And you snuck into my yard and took it off my grill and
MATTHEW
Kathy put it on and I took a funny picture of her with my picture phone.
ALAN
Your phone can take pictures but you can’t text?
MATTHEW
NO. NO. I can do both. I LIED. Before. I lied. I texted the photos to Rodger.
ALAN
To Rodger?
MATTHEW
YES. He texted back.
ALAN
LOL?
MATTHEW
LOL.
ALAN
Kathy wanted you to wait till a windy day right?
MATTHEW
That was
ALAN
Her idea?
MATTHEW
Yes.
(Beat. MATTHEW shaves defiantly. ALAN begins to leave but stops. ALAN turns. ALAN grins. MATTHEW stops shaving. ALAN walks towards the bar.)
MATTHEW
THINK about what you’re doing.
ALAN
I didn’t think that was this evening’s theme.
MATTHEW
Look we should call
ALAN
KATHY? I DON’T THINK SO.
MATTHEW
I think that it would be wise to
ALAN
I don’t think this has anything to do with her actually.
MATTHEW
I can’t say that I agree because
(ALAN sits at the bar.)
ALAN
I’VE BEEN THORUGH A LOT.
MATTHEW
I SWEAR TO GOD.
ALAN
IT’S BEEN A ROUGH NIGHT.
MATTHEW
YOU ARE MAKING
ALAN
HECK IT WAS A ROUGH DAY WELL BEFORE IT WAS A ROUGH NIGHT.
MATTHEW
A HUGE MISTAKE.
ALAN
I’M PARCHED.
MATTHEW
WE CAN GET YOU A NEW COVER.
ALAN
OR AM I IN LOVE.
MATTHEW
IT’S NO THING MAN. IT’S NO THING.
ALAN
I CAN JUST NEVER TELL A DIFFERECE.
MATTHEW
YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS.
ALAN
NO. NO. NO. (LOUD.) NO. (Beat.) It’s just that I’m parched. And I could
(MATTHEW grabs the back of ALAN’S head and puts his razor to his throat. They look each other. Beat. ALAN smiles. MATTHEW shakes his head.)
ALAN
It’s just that I could really use a drink.
(Black out.)
END
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