Minivan the Vote

For the last couple of months there's been one question that's been SLAMMING into my email mailbox more than any other. And for the first time I had a quite difficult time jumping all up on my key board and BANGING out a quick, witty, thought provoking, funny, touching, obtuse, straight forward, sincere answer. The question has actually been HAUNTING me. I see it when I turn corners and it looks like a young child, a boy, covered in a sheet with two eye holes cut out. I know what you're thinking and what you're thinking couldn't be more WRONG. "Oh! Oh! You're scared of a little kid in a shitty Halloween costume. Oh! Oh! OH! What a little pussy you are. I laugh at you and mock you to your face!" First of all lets keep that kind of language at car dealerships and video arcades where it belongs. And second of all it's not the COSTUME of the question that's scary it's the stone dead eyes that you can see through those poorly cut eye holes. When I turn corners I see that little kid and I stare into his eyes and I don't see ANYTHING. It's like looking at a house plant only it's a little boy in a shitty Halloween costume and let me tell you it's enough to scare you straight out of your gym socks. So what is this question that so haunts me that it has crawled into my brain and rattles whenever I toss my head to hard to either side? Well, it goes a little like this:

DEAR ASK MR TEN REASONS TO BUY A MINIVAN,
I was wondering who, as a minivan OWNER and a minivan LOVER, I should vote for in the upcoming election. Who, in your opinion has run a more minivan friendly campaign? I have heard that if Obama is elected he wants to socialize minivan ownership. I'm not even really sure what that means but it doesn't sound like something that I could get behind. Would that mean I have to share my Town & Country with the Yetman's next door? Because I just don't know if I could do that. I rode in their hatchback once and let me tell you I was ankle deep in Big Mac Wrappers. It was a mess in there! I think one of the wrappers had cheese still on it and I think the cheese touched the part of my leg between my sock and pants. I think it touched actual skin. Who knows how long that cheese had been there?!? I keep my vehicle very clean because that's the way all vehicles should be kept and those people make me SICK with their behavior. It makes me scared and angry to think about having to share my minivan with those dirty evil bastards. Does Barack have to share his fancy cars and fast planes and speed boats with his skanky ass neighbors? Does he???? He makes me mad and scared. However, on the other hand, a friend told me that she heard from a good source that Sarah Palin's daughter had wrecked the Palin's 2005 Light Blue Mazda MPV minivan. But instead of letting her daughter take the wrap my friend told me that she read that Sarah Palin had taken the blame for the accident. My friend said that her friend had read that someone said that Sarah Palin said that she ran straight into the back of some sort of pickup truck. But the thing is that there are pictures of Sarah Palin from the day after she said that she had the accident and she's not wearing any sort of neck brace. My friend said that she heard that the MPV was going 46 miles an hour when it struck the pickup truck and anyone that's anyone knows that the driver of a minivan that hits a pickup truck at that speed would DEFINITELY suffer injuries! Also three days later her daughter was seen coming out of a Friendlys with her father. A Friendlys! Every one knows that a father is supposed to take their teenage daughter to get a Cone Head Sundae a few days after they get into a minor car accident. Help me ASK MR TEN REASONS TO BUY A MINIVAN! I just don't know what to do!

Love,
Undecided in Wilmington

I was just like Undecided in Wilmington and countless others. I had done my research. I had read up on the issues. I had debated with friends over a hot cup of joe or a frothy frosty alcoholic beverage. I had stayed up every Tuesday and Thursday and stared out of the window watching the wind blow the branches to and fro. I had done all of this with NO result. But then I read something that changed my view of this campaign in a way that could never be altered. I read this THIS ARTICLE! It was as if I was the sand before reading it. I was the sand and any answer that I had thought I had found about who I should vote for was always being smoothed away by the rough touch of the sea. But after finishing this piece of news I was born again as a great slab of granite and the answer that I was looking for was etched into me by the hands and chisels of destiny. It was this article that me able to finally close the blinds leaving the branches to wave in the wind unwatched and alone. After reading this article I finally had an answer for all of the people like Undecided in Wilmington. But, more importantly, I finally had an answer FOR MYSELF. After reading this article I had only one thing to say: FOR SHAME JOHN MCCAIN. FOR SHAME. Did you think you could just RAM your campaign bus into a innocent minivan and think that there would be NO consequences. Well you were mistaken John McCain. You were VERY mistaken John McCain. You see when you hit ONE American minivan with your campaign bus it's like you hit ALL of the minivans in America with your campaign bus. And you may not think much of hitting all of the minivans in America with your campaign bus but let me make this extremely clear: hit one minivan and it's like you hit all of the minivans and that's basically just like spitting in the face of all of America's grandparents. So is that what you want John McCain? To spit in the face of all of the grandparents in America. Come to think of it . . . you're pretty old yourself. I bet you even have a couple of grand children. So how would you feel about getting spat in the face? Well how ever you feel about that that's how all of the minivan owners and lovers felt when you RAMMED into that minivan in Florida. And thanks for the apology . . .oh wait that's right a google search has turned up nothing when searching for the apology that the driver of that minivan deserves not to mention the apology that ALL drivers and lovers of minivans deserve. So, JOHN MCCAIN, if you thought this was just a little incident that would have no consequences like spilling some soda pop on your trousers well I'm sorry but you were VERY mistaken. Because it is at this moment that I call on all minivan owners and lovers to stand up to John McCain's ignorance and intolerance! I call on all minivan owners to stand up and walk to their assigned polling location and vote BARACK OBAMA. Has Barack Obama ever run into a minivan? NO! NO he hasn't. Do people accuse Barack Obama of being elitists because Barack Obama has his own hover board like in Back to The Future? Yes they do! But do those people know that Barack Obama or at least his wife knows what it's like to be the victim of minivan violence? Well they would if they read this article.

The choice, once cloudy like a fall day in suburban Delaware, is now as obvious as the dent on that poor minivan in Florida that JOHN MCCAIN'S campaign bus ran into. Barack Obama even though he is a billionaire who can see through walls is just like us. He's seen the damage that a minivan accident can cause and I'm sure that he will do EVERYTHING in his power to never let that sort of horrendous event happen to his wife or your wife or my wife or even JOHN MCCAIN'S wife ever again.

So it is with great pride that TEN REASONS TO BUY A MINIVAN endorses Barack Obama for president.