Untitled by Unknown

Don't worry, I know how you feel. I know what's up. I know what's going on. I know what's going down. You love TenReasonstoBuyaMinivan.com. You would do anything you could for TenReasonstoBuyaMinivan.com. But you just don't know how to show the world your love. You just don't know how to tell the world about your desire to know the ten reasons, talk about the ten reasons, revel in the ten reasons, compose interpretive dances with the ten reasons as a theme. Don't worry, I know how you feel. I'm pretty sure you feel like the two characters in this little-known but very touching play that I just stumbled upon. The author is unknown, as is the title but despite that I think this unbelievably deep and touching piece of theater really sums up the emotions of the typical TenReasonstoBuyaMinivan.com reader.

Untitled

By Unknown

(Lights up on a kitchen. It is small. Its walls, covered in pealing wall paper and not much else, slant inwards like they could collapse at any second. In the middle of the kitchen is a small table. In the center of the table there is a large hole. Through this hole a great oak tree once grew. But it has long since been cut down. All that remains of it is a tired old stump that juts a few feet above the surface of the table. It too leans with the sadness of a great book read but never finished. NATE sits at the table. He is peeling carrots. He wears a dirty old bowling shirt with his name crossed out. The peels fall into an box labeled “CARROT PEELS”. SUZY paces and stares at him with a fire in her eyes. SUZY is completely naked except for the electrician’s uniform she wears, complete with tool belt and hard hat.)

SUZY

You. You and those peels.

NATE
What?

SUZY
You. Always with those peels. Always. Storing them away and for what? No no. Storing them away for WHEN? When? How many boxes of carrot peels do you have down there in the basement? Three? Four?

NATE
(He stops peeling and hangs his head.) Suzy . . .

SUZY
Oh and hear they come. OH boy! Oh BOY. The water works. The sniveling and the snorting and the crying and the paper cuts and the letters to Dear Abby and the waiting for the response from Dear Abby and the never getting a response from Dear Abby and then more crying and more paper cuts.

NATE
(He gets off his chair and lies on the floor.) I thought they were yams.

SUZY
No you did not.

NATE
I did. I thought they were yams. I swear to god.

SUZY
Then why . . . AH!

(She charges around the table and picks up the box and dumps it on him.)

SUZY
Then why were you using the carrot box? Why not use one of the damn YAM boxes? You must have thirteen or so damn yam boxes down there in that basement. If you were peeling yams then why not use A YAM BOX?

NATE
It’s so dark downstairs.

SUZY
You had better be speaking figuratively.

NATE
Well you know very well that I was never good at abstraction.

SUZY
AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?

NATE
It’s so dark downstairs because

SUZY
DON’T . . .

NATE
YOU . . .

SUZY
YOU . . .

NATE
. . . haven’t changed . . .

SUZY
. . .dare.

NATE
. . .the bulb. The bulb. It’s out. And it’s dark.

SUZY
I haven’t changed the bulb? I haven’t changed the bulb. What do I look like to you a god damn electrician?

NATE
Things don’t NEED to be like this.

SUZY
No. You’re right THEY don’t.

NATE
Could you . . .

SUZY
Don’t say it.

NATE
If you would just . . .

SUZY
I swear to god don’t say it.

NATE
You have a ladder. If you would just take a new bulb down there then

SUZY
(Erupting) I was at the rodeo NATE. I was at the rodeo.

(A dark silence. The walls sway ever so slightly. And then in the distance ever so quietly a train rumbles by.)

NATE
With mom?

SUZY
I

NATE
(Jumping up.) What?

SUZY
I was there.

NATE
Suzy?

SUZY
I know. I know.

NATE
Why haven’t you said

SUZY
Because I didn’t think those words could be formed in my mouth. I thought that if I opened my lips to say those words only empty syllables of nothing would tumble out. I . . . I tried to tell you once. Once. I think you were peeling potatoes.

NATE
Those were the days weren't they?

SUZY
I tried Nate. I SWEAR I tried. But all that came out was . . . BLASHADDDDERTH RUT HOAGGIE RUT YIMPEREEY.

NATE
I thought you had bitten your tongue.

SUZY
Oh god. The rodeo. It was horrible. The laughs of all those dirty dirty rednecks escaping from toothless mouths. The way they read those romance novels and wiped the tobacco from their chins. The smell of roasted peanuts and stale beer and jet fuel and Chanel Number Five and the entire Cincinnati Reds "Big Red Machine" 1975 World Series Team.

NATE
It was horrible. It was Suzy. The look of rage in the eyes of that clown.

SUZY
Nate?

NATE
When that bastard took off his bottle cap glasses and the light reflected off his red red eyes the same way it reflected off of his comically large . . . red . . . red shoes. Not to mention the suggestive way he climbed out of that barrel.

SUZY
You couldn't have . . .?

NATE
I could. I did. I was.

SUZY
You were?

NATE
I WAS.

SUZY
But . . .

NATE
Suzy . . . I was there too.

SUZY
Oh Jesus.

NATE
The short order cook had called in sick. I was peeling in the kitchen. I was getting ready for the after rodeo rush when I heard . . . the commotion.

SUZY
Nate do you know what this means?

NATE
No.

(He sits and picks up a carrot and starts peeling.)

NATE
I don't know what this means Suzy.

SUZY
No more letters to Dear Abby.

NATE
No more paper cuts?

SUZY
NATE!

(SUZY rushes to NATE and hugs him. A meaningful moment between brother and sister. The walls and the old stump slowly straighten out as if stretching after a long nap. Beat. SUZY exits. She returns with an enormous light bulb.)

SUZY
What do you think? Want to go down to the basement?

NATE
I COULD really go for some yams.

(She plops her hard hat on his head and they both laugh as the lights fade to black.)

END

Wonderful. Just wonderful. Isn't it nice to know that others are going through exactly what you are going through even if those others are fictitious? I know I felt better after I read that magnum opus. In fact I was INSPIRED by that amazing piece of theatrical gold. I rushed right out after reading it. I rushed right out to my local Internet provider of custom stickers and I ordered a thick stack of slick and stunning TenReasonstoBuyaMinivan.Com stickers. Just how slick and stunning are they? Well take a gander:

Awesome huh? I bet you are wondering how much one of those babies is going to cost ya. I bet you are figuring that you are going to have to cut back on that fresh venison you love so much in order to afford one of those hot hot stickers. Well you're wrong! You can have one for zero cents. $0.00!! No cents? That senseless!

All you have to do is email me at Tenreasonstobuyaminivan@gmail.com with your home or work address. (Please no P.O. Boxes. For no other reason that I hate P.O. Boxes.) I will mail you a sticker in an envelope. In that envelope I will also include a HAND WRITTEN note. All that I ask in return is that you send me a picture of where you have prominently displayed your Tenreasonstobuyaminivan.com sticker. I will then post the pictures in a new segment called "Where have you prominently displayed your TenReasonstoBuyaMinivan.Com sticker?"

It's just that simple. It's just that exciting. Let's get the word out there! Ten Reasons To Buy A Minivan.com! Respect the van!

Email me today!